Tyreece,
Your decision to write your piece as an interview was a good one – it creates vividness to the story to see it through one person’s eyes – and allows you to write their thoughts in order to show the wider context of the events.
Strengths:
This story has a clear narrative structure (plot line) and you have started to incorporate description in order to expand your reader’s enjoyment and understanding.
You also have a strong feel for the drama of a story, developing suspense and character motivation through the information you reveal and the information you withhold.
Advice:
The main areas for immediate focus are similar the ones that we looked at in your drafts.
- Your sentences often shift in tense (they move from past to present – whereas your writing should really mostly be in the past as it’s someone talking about what has happened to them)
- Your spelling was erroneous in a number of places with longer or less familiar words. How is your skill with a dictionary?
- Some sentences run on, or don’t make complete sense. Often this can be improved by reading your work aloud. If you hesistate when your’e reading it, there’s almost definitely a mistake there.
Advanced Advice
Your descriptions would have been improved with the use of a wider variety of noun phrases and adverbials – I’m curious about why you decided not to start any sentences with prepositions – you certainly showd you knew how to do it in class exercises.
Here is a copy of your original piece with detailed annotations:
React!